


stupid

by GrayJedi11



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depressed Logic | Logan Sanders, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Food, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, anywas lociet, heheeh angst, i think its in a different notebook, i was gonna post dukexiety today but the second half of that fic got lost, i went in a different notebook, no cutting, there was space but no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25201741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayJedi11/pseuds/GrayJedi11
Summary: Janus is scared for his boyfriend. His boyfriend, unsurprisingly, doesn't understand what he's feeling and represses his emotions.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 11
Kudos: 176





	stupid

_You’re nothing._

Janus was right. Logan hadn’t been thinking clearly, he hadn’t been sleeping enough, he’d been skipping meals, and Thomas was paying the price. He hadn’t noticed what he’d been doing, he was so _stupid_.

And he couldn’t _be_ stupid.

It was enough that it had taken so long for Janus to finally give in and just tell Logan he was in love, because all his attempts at making it clear in subtler ways had failed miserably. He knew so many facts, yet couldn’t see such a simple thing.

So if he didn’t _know_ , who was he?

_Nothing. He was nothing._

He didn’t know why he was hurting. He didn’t know what this pain was. And most importantly, he didn’t know how to fix it. But he was supposed to fix _everything_.

He hadn’t told Janus about it. He didn’t want to seem weak (even if he already did.) Logic shouldn’t _get_ sad, have irrational urges, do irrational things. 

He couldn’t tell Janus how much the pain helped.

The pain in his stomach, the bruises on his arms that he blamed on clumsiness, and the pain in his head, whether from sleep deprivation or his desk.

And it was all stupid. _He_ was stupid.

Food was vital to the living. He wasn’t sure whether sides could die (another thing he didn’t know) but it certainly had an effect. Why should he give himself bruises? It wastes time and pain is supposed to be _bad_. He could get literal brain damage from hitting his head on the table, and he’d already lectured Thomas on the importance of a good sleep schedule. Hypocrisy was another stupid thing.

Logan saved his work, debating whether he should hit his arms or his head. He settled on his head, resting it, pounding, after three or four times. He should be keeping track of how many times he does this.

His stomach growled as Janus walked up behind him, running his hands through Logan’s hair and lifting his head up to remove his glasses. Logan was sure his eye bags must be even darker than Virgil’s.

“You okay, love? I heard banging. Thought you might be frustrated.”

“...I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“No need to be. Anyway, I brought you a granola bar.”

His heart sank. He didn’t want to try and eat right now.

“Is it the one full of sugar?”

“No, it’s the healthy one, just for you.”

“I hate being picky, but no thanks.”

“Would you have _preferred_ the one full of sugar?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure.”

“I’m starting to think you just don’t like granola bars.”

Janus pulled Logan’s swivel chair over to his bed (to Logan’s dismay) and coaxed him out of it and into the soft, cool blankets.

“Well, is there anything you _would_ like? You didn’t come to dinner.”

“I don’t really need anything. I had some of Virgil’s ramen earlier.”

“You realize I’m like, the king of lies? I wouldn’t be surprised if that was an excuse.”

“I- I’m not lying.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I’m just worried, love. It seems all you do is ‘forget to self-care’ and ‘lie about it so you don’t worry me.’”

Logan sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing the spot he’d hit. Janus took his hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Although I should remind you…”

“Remind me of what?”

“Logan, how’d you hit your arm?”

“I just bumped it on my desk, like I usually do. It's not a big deal.”

“Lie.”

_Stupid. How could you fucking forget?”_

“I wasn’t sure if you remembered-”

“You know when I’m lying.”

Logan pulled his hand from Janus’s, touching the bruises on his arm. There weren’t too many, but the ones that were there were hit again and again and again. Janus brushed them with his own scaled hand, tracing the outline softly.

“...Would you mind telling me? Again, it’s okay if you don’t.”

_Would you be stupid to ask for help?_

_Would you be stupid not to?_

_Do you deserve help?_

He didn’t feel like he did. But at the same time, that probably meant that he needed it, at the very least. He found Janus’s hand again, holding on but looking down.

“What is…”

“What is this feeling, Janus? Why do I-” He felt tears tugging at his eyes, so he buried his head in Janus’s chest. “Why do I…”

“Would it be easier if I asked you directly?”

Logan nodded, trying to suppress the sob in his throat.

“...Are you hurting yourself?”

Logan nodded again, unable to withhold his tears any longer. Crying was _stupid_ , he was _stupid_ , he wanted this to just _stop_.

But Janus was here, telling him it was going to be okay. He didn’t know if it was. He didn’t know if he should believe Janus or himself. He wanted to go home, wherever that was. He realized in a moment that… it must be here, in Janus’s arms. 

And maybe it made him feel a little less stupid.


End file.
